A conversation I had with God at the piano when I wasn’t sure how I felt about love.

I was born with the idea, a thought, built inside my human flesh from the very beginning: that love is broken; it is conditional, i.e. “If you do something for me, I’ll repay you. If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you because that’s how “love” works. There’s all this striving in my bones: “If I just work harder, then maybe, maybe they will see me and appreciate me more.” Love has an expiration date; it eventually has to end. I see it in marriages and friendships: “I can’t be your friend anymore because you hurt me, and it’s too hard.” Or, “I’m having a bad day and I’m weak, but you’re having a bad day too, so we don’t have enough strength or feel like loving one another.” Love is weak and only for certain moments. I’ve hung onto a lie that love is broken because I live in a fallen and broken world. Because I was born into this broken world, my heart has never worked right.

But here is God as a Father, the perfect Father:

“No, no, no, no. All humanity has had the wrong idea since I created you. Somehow, for some reason, you heard the lie that love, my love, isn’t good.”

I don’t understand that. I don’t. I don’t understand how your love is good. What is “good?” What does that even mean?

But you say, “I am love and there’s no condition to it or myself. I don’t lash out; I won’t hurt you, and you don’t have to be scared of me.”

I think, so much of me is scared of God because I don’t know who he is, or how to capture him with a word or an idea that comforts me, and my flesh eyes have a tendency to only see the brokenness of the world, so God must be broken too. But his love isn’t broken. My Father isn’t broken. If I would just listen to him and hear his tone of voice.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love. My love goes beyond this earth. It never ends; therefore, it cannot be put into a word. Right now you don’t quite understand this yet because your language is broken. But I won’t walk away from you.”

So Father, teach me the language of unbroken love, so that I wouldn’t be scared to trust you.

Deep down, there is a hope that I can trust you. There’s a deep idea aching that it’s so easy to follow You, that it’s so easy to love you. I’ve heard others say that it’s hard to follow Jesus: “It’s gonna cost you and be hard because everything is broken.”

But you’re my Father. You’re unbroken, you are perfect, and you are healing. So if I’m walking with you, then I can walk in confidence because I know who you are, and following you should be so easy. Though your love won’t make sense until I am in your presence, I can enjoy the truth that I have access to your fullness and attention, and that you are not hiding from me or teasing me, but saving certain aspects of your character for the moment when I see your face because you know I would enjoy them most in your unbroken world.

Your love isn’t broken.

 

 

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